Even In Death (Attack on Titan)
by DollyDearest17
Summary: "Even in death, I'll always love you..." When Levi, Irma's fiancé, dies, Irma is forced to try to move on, but she has a difficult time doing so, especially since she starts to see his ghost. (Partially Modern AU) (Also found on Wattpad)
1. Prologue

The young woman struggled to calm her breathing as she rushed down the dim hall to the infirmary, her heart racing in her chest. It has been a few days since she has seen Captain Levi before his expedition and she began to worry if he was going to be okay. She knew he was a strong person, but something in her heart told her that something bad was going to happen. And she was right. For some time, Captain Levi wouldn't let her go on any expeditions, despite her advanced fighting skills and quick thinking, which gave her the title of 'Humanity's Fastest Solider,' but she ended up severely injuring herself during a previous mission. Since then, she was forced to stay behind and she hated every second of it. For days, she waited for him while treating other cadets and squad leaders as a doctor until the day arrived. When news finally reached her that he returned, he was not in good shape.

_'Calm down, Irma...'_ she thought, messing with the shiny diamond ring on her left finger. _'He can't die now...he promised...'_

She finally reached the door and went to open it, but felt someone touch her shoulder, making her freeze at the spot. She didn't bother looking because I can tell who it was that was standing behind me, but she did catch a glance at the person just to be sure.

"Hanji..." Irma started, her hand slowly falling to her side. "How much longer?"

Irma can hear the female commander sigh, but her focus was only at the door that kept the doctor from seeing him. "I'm not sure," she finally replied, her voice shaking a bit as she tried to hold back tears. "They did everything they could."

Irma pressed her ear to the door and listened for any sort of noise, but heard nothing. At that moment, she felt her heart drop. He has to be alright, right? She took a deep breath and quietly pushed open the door and once she saw him, her heart just wanted to break. There he laid on the bed with bandages wrapped around his head, covering one of his eyes. His left arm was missing and also wrapped tightly. He looked so broken. Irma pulled up a chair next to the bed and sat down, trying to hold back the tears. She didn't know what to say, but the only thing that managed to slip from her mouth was a small and quiet 'hi'.

He slowly turned his head to look at her and she can tell from his eyes that he was crying. "Irma...is that you, cadet?"

"Yes, it's me." She pushed some of his hair away from his eyes. It was such a long time since she heard him call her 'cadet'. "How...are you?"

She knew it was a stupid question to ask, seeing the condition that he was in, but she just couldn't think straight. He coughed a little before replying, "I don't know...how much longer I can...hold on..."

"I'm so sorry, Levi. I should have been there...I should have helped you..." She sighed and lightly squeezed his hand.

An eerie silence filled the air for a short while. The only thing she could hear was the sound of his slow breathing as he tried to hold on to life. She took the time to examine his body a bit clearly despite the blurriness of her right eye. Although they bandaged him up pretty well, she knew that he was suffering from the pain of his wounds. He coughed again, which snapped her out of her dark thoughts.

"You know..." he started. "I didn't think I would die this soon..."

"You won't die. I won't let you."

"I've always thought I'd be alive to see...if we made anything in this world..."

She was panicking now, but she didn't want to show it at first as tears well up in her eyes. "We will. I promise. You're gonna live. W-we'll get married and grow old together just like you said."

He solemnly shook his head and coughed. "I'm...sorry, Irma..."

When his words finally sunk in, Irma couldn't hold back anymore tears. It has been a long time since she cried for anyone. Her dreams with him has been shattered and she couldn't do anything about it.

"Don't cry," he muttered comfortingly as he wiped her tears away. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to marry you...but that doesn't matter now. I love you, Irma. I have since the first day we met and even after death, I'll...always love you."

She could feel her heart break when he said her name. He usually doesn't call me by her first name. She rested her head on the edge of the bed. "I don't want you to go...I can't let you go..."

His hand slipped off her cheek and she quickly tighten her grip on it, sobbing and never wanting to let go. All she could do was hold his hand and tell him how much she loved him as his life slowly slipped from him. Soon, he was cold as ice and his eyes closed peacefully as if he was sleeping. If only he was. Irma sat there, crying her eyes out until the others told her to let go, but she refused. She just held on tighter to his hand, even though she knew he couldn't feel it anymore. Eventually, Hanji was able to pry her grip from him.

Irma couldn't recall anything after that; all she could remember was feeling numb all over. Armin and Eren helped her walk to the room that we shared as she was too unbalanced to walk on her own. As soon as they left, she slowly fell to the floor, her back against the door to prevent anyone from coming in. She didn't want to see anyone else. She wanted him.

Only him.

"Levi..." Irma whispered as her vision completely blurred. "I'm sorry, Levi..."


	2. Chapter 1

'If I die, promise me you'll move on...'

People say that pain from grief soon fade after time, which wasn't the case for me. Two months after Levi's death wasn't easy for me. I wasn't very happy anymore. I rarely left the room; only once in a while to get food or to visit his grave. I lay in the empty bed for days, staring at the ceiling or at the empty side of the bed where he used to sleep. I sometimes forget how long it's been since I've laid there. I could never bring myself to leave the cold sheets.

I missed him...

I missed his touches, his voice, his steel blue eyes...everything.

Everyone has tried their hardest to support me, even though I'm sure they didn't care too much about my situation. I heard a few cadets whispering about me, but I pretty much drown them out until I completely stopped showing up for meals; at least when they're around. Sasha has tried to give me food a couple times, even sitting it on my messy desk while I slept, but I would only eat little bits of it before setting it outside my door for pickup. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa has visited me, but as much as I used to enjoy and appreciate their company and attempts to help me, I've been so mentally drained to even thank them. For a while, I almost forgotten about Levi, but anything I saw that reminded me of him would always drag me back into that state of depression. It was the numb feeling in my chest when I try to sleep that will bring me back, just like now as I lay in the empty bed again.

I knew that rest wasn't going to come easy. I gripped onto the pillow that he used to lay his head on, his usual scent of lemons and lavender now faint, and sat up from my spot, trying to push myself to move out of bed, but something held me in place. A knock on the door snapped me out of my current state for a moment and I finally could suddenly move again.

"Irma," a familiar voice called to me. "Are you there?"

There was one other person who wanted to help me: that one person was Hanji. She was just as devastated as I was when he died, but managed to get over it. Now, she tries to get me to move on as well, which is why I've been avoiding her for the past few days. It didn't help that she was always visiting my office every day, whether it was to drop off medical records or just to talk. She kept bugging me about how Levi would have wanted me to move on, but I just ignored her.

A sigh escaped my lips and I managed to push myself from the bed and walk to the door. I stood there for a second, debating if I wanted face the scientist or not. I finally gave in and opened the door. "Hello, Zoë."

The scientist smiled a bit; not her usual crazed smile that she pulls when causing trouble around HQ, but a smile of sympathy. Only I was allowed to call her by that name. "Finally, you open up. You've been in there for almost another week."

Has it really been that long? I haven't noticed. I leaned against the door frame. It's gonna be awhile before she leaves. "Did you want something?"

Hanji pushed back some of her dark brown hair from her face with that same smile. "Just checking to see if you had dinner yet. No offence, but you've gotten...paler."

I glanced at the ground in slight shame. When was the last time I ate? I would usually skip breakfast and lunch, and very little people will only see me during dinner. I let out a sigh when my stomach growled, then a small laugh escaped Hanji's lips.

"Maybe I should eat..."

"Great," she says, taking my hand in hers. A shiver goes down my spine. "To the mess hall."

I rolled my eyes at Hanji's sudden change of attitude, but I couldn't resist a small smile that managed to crawl on my face. Luckily, she didn't catch it. We reached the mess hall and Hanji finally let go of my hand as she walked away to the kitchen. I took the time to scan the area; nothing has changed much. The only thing that was different was the amount of people that I called my friends. At least I knew that they are alive and well. I took a seat at an empty table at a corner as soon as I saw Hanji leave the kitchen with a plate and a teacup. She sat the plate in front of me before taking a seat on the other side of me, then sat the cup in the middle of the small table. I thanked her and went to pick up her utensils, but noticed that she didn't have anything.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked.

Hanji shook her head, the small smile never left her face. "I already ate. I have to make sure you eat too."

I nodded and nibbled at the bread that sat on the far right of the plate, then shoveled some rice into her mouth. I picked up the teacup from the rim, the same way he used to, and took a light sip. I've been doing things almost like Levi would ever since that day; I couldn't help myself.

"Hey, Irma."

I glanced up at her while taking another sip from the tea. "Yeah?"

"Why don't we go out and do something together? Just the two of us. We don't have to go now...only if you want to."

I pondered for a second, then sat down the teacup. Wallowing in my own self-pity wasn't going to help me anymore. "You know, I might go," I said quietly, but loud enough for her to hear me.

As soon as I said that, her signature crazed smile that I haven't seen in a long while quickly returned to her face as she tried to hold back a loud laugh or squeal. "Yay! I'm glad you agreed!" She then took my hand in hers again, but she remained in her seat. "Besides, it would be a start in helping you move on from all this."

Move on?

I smiled a little and went back to eating my breakfast to the best of my abilities. Afterwards, Hanji took my plate away from me after I managed to finish half of the food. I really wanted to move on and forget everything that caused me to fall into this dark hole of despair, but I just can't.

I can't move on...


End file.
